You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
