he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
