i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
