Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
