so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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