i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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