So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
