I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
