i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
