I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
