Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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