Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
