tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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