Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
bring money and cleavage
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
