every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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