So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
