I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
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I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I FOUND THE LEGS
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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