Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
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Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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