He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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