Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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