My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
