Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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