I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
