I will die if light touches me.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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