the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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