Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You are a genius and a whore.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
