tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
