My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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