im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
