my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you traded sex for a burrito?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
