You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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