this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
