you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
