Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
