Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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