they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
