I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
