And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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