woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
