do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
