whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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