I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
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Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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