I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
