I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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