Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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