I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
time to smoke my breakfast
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
