sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
