I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
