Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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