I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
