I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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