I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
