My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
