My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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