You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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